I set the intention years ago to be present in love and to be healthy in mind, body and spirit. That’s no tall order when you have a disabling disease that keeps you crippled in pain from head to toe as well as fatigued all of the time.
That was the wake up call I needed to start living with spirit, to listen to the gentle nudges of intuition I had ignored for many years, and to begin the journey home to my soul.
It has been an enriching and thrilling ride, and it has been challenging, difficult, and emotional.
It could have been easier in all honesty, if I had not been so stubborn and stuck in my ways of controlling and forcing things.
Each cycle of surrender and understanding brings me closer to living this fully. I would love to believe that I have fully made it there, yet experience has taught me that the spiral continues. I will probably challenge, grow and learn until I am dead. That is the path I have chosen to be fully alive.
I had no idea when I began to embark on this adventure (at the time I did not see it as an adventure, and yet that is exactly what it has been,) that it would lead to the place I was always meant to be. Even when I clearly received the intuitive message, I balked, I ran, I avoided it, I did anything I could to believe or embrace that truth.
Fear Will Always Show Up
Slowly life has shown me, led me, guided me, and slowly I began to listen, release more and more of the fear and embrace it. I am sure I will always be facing the fear that will continue to come and that is ok.
I know that fear has two sides. One face is trying to protect me. The other is trying to control me. So I love both faces, converse with both faces and move forward with their support.
Ego Will Fight All the Way
I also have another identity that loves to run the show – my ego. Oh yes, it too wants to protect me – actually itself, and for sure wants to run the show and be in control.
BUT… sometimes I still don’t recognize the voice as fear or ego right away. Sometimes, I think that I am in the flow, but here’s what happens …
When It’s Too Easy
It’s too easy. I get inspired by what was easy and then make it difficult but I think I am trying to make it easier in a bigger way. So I put all this time, energy, focus into creating something else instead of going with what is right in front of me believing this is better! I am distracted from the things I was meant to be doing so I can force this other thing into existence.
I even check in to see if this is for my highest good and often feel a yes. Of course, I am attached to what my highest good is at these times. I am not realizing that its actually ego and fear asking the question, so of course when it all reveals itself, I am left disappointed.
Can you relate? Is disappointment your old friend?
So, how is one to be fully in the flow of intuitive guidance in a confident space?
Here’s the short answer.
You set the intention.
You make it your mission to learn from every experience and see the gift in all those lessons.
You have free will, so you can fight this or you can surrender to this.
You know that there will still be challenges, you will still slip up, and you will still be disappointed.
You trust that it is easier and easier as you go along.
The lessons become more obvious sooner.
The more you surrender, the easier it becomes and the less disappointment you suffer because you are in the present and in the flow and you know each moment is just as it needs to be.
Yeah, not so easy, and yet it is a beautiful place to be.
Heavy Stuff or Is It Light?
What I have come to realize is that I have chosen to be a spiritual warrior. What I am being guided to be is a spiritual healer. I am here to help heal spirits, which then heals minds and bodies. I am here to show you how to do this. Trust me, this path is not for everyone, but if it is, you know it deep in your soul, and it can be a scary realization. Yet once you accept the inevitable, its actually quite expansive.
There is still my fear and ego that balks at this and screams at me, “Who the H@#L do you think you are to be this?” I know that voice well. It was has kept me forcing other things for a very long time.
Slowly, I have been softening that voice, and allowing the voice of love, spirit and guidance to show me otherwise. When I allow that guidance, it is so beautiful. The most beautiful people show up asking for my support and I know they have been sent to me as my students.
Angry At The Universe
But that roaring voice of doubt and fear still continues to interrupt me, slow me down, trip me up. When that happens, I scream my disappointment and resentment to the universe. I seem to always blame that first. I cry in indignation that I am doing everything you ask of me, why oh why are you not giving me what I asked for.
Once I have tapped this out of my system, I sit in meditation. Then I get out my notebook and begin writing. I still begin with my disappointment and resentment and the unfairness of it all.
Slowly the words begin to change direction and I am shown another perspective. Aah – truth is revealed. It was not the universe; it was me who got in the way of what the universe was offering me.
Yes, offering me but it was not in the way that I wanted it to be, so I could not receive it. I had to go out and force it to happen. Guess what, it never works time and time again.
Open to the Gifts of the Universe
So, I have learned and I continue to learn to be grateful for what is here and allow it to blossom and grow organically and with the blessing of the universe. I am more and more trusting that it knows far better than me, and remember the proof of this.
If I could have been more loving and present with what was in front of me, I would not have to have wasted all the time, money, energy and other resources trying to force it to be another way.
And yet, obviously that is what I did. So, I can sit in self-loathing and reproach – oh yes, I am great at this, and I wallow here for some time. Then I get up and forgive myself for being human.
After all I am a spiritual being in a physical body here to learn these lessons. It is so frustrating that I am not perfect in this body, but then if I were, I would not need to be here.
So, I forgive myself, and once again I embrace the message and the commitment to allow, not force. I offer thanks for once again showing this stubborn mind this lesson, and I ask for support in melting that stubbornness away.
I choose to persevere on this path I have chosen and allow it to unfold in the beautiful light in which love intends it to be.
I give myself permission to let go, and allow myself to bask in the joy of my life.
How’s that for surrender?
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